Ok readers, here's a sort of a depressing topic, but it's one i hope will impact somebodys life. the topic: death.

Growing up in a family where death seems to ring somebody's doorbell every year, i've learned that there is nothing you can do when it finally comes in. Death knows no predjudce. it doesn't care what you are, what your age, your size, your race, or who you know. You can't pay death to leave someone, you can't cry death away, you can't do anything about it when it comes for someone you love, and you can't do anything about it when it comes for someone you hate. 

Death is a painful word. if you've read this far already i must congradulate you, because i'm sure many people stopped reading after I stated my topic. The truth is eventually everyone has to face this topic, and i thought for sure last night I was going to have to face it again.

As we walked into the party I knew something was wrong, but instead of asking kindly like a friend should, i asked Bobby "What's your problem". he was having trouble breathing. SHIT! I had seen people go through that before. My cousins, my aunts, my uncles, and especially my grandma. I know how to nurse people back to health, but this wasn't a family member who i expect to be sick on most occasions...this was my...my...my BEST FRIEND! MY EVERYTHING!!!! I remember people being carried away for breathing problems. my grandma is the main one i can  remember ....suddenly i think everything stopped. From what i was thinking as Bobby was just being a drama queen, i now realized i had seen this before....i had seen that exact thing the day I found out my grandma was going to die. my heart started racing....now i knew i had to do something.

i stayed calm while he was there....thinking clearly but not enough. He was crying, panting, he was turning pal, he just couldn't calm down.The thought that kept running through my head over and over again was: I can't lose him too! People kept asking me questions "where was he", "when did this start", "did he fall?" but i didn't relaize how serious it actually was until his parents came and told someone to call an ambulence. you know that saying "time slows down when in crisis?" Well what was approximately 20 minutes lasted 3 years in my mind. I was the only one that knew the details...i had to talk to the paramedics...then they left...with bobby.

stay calm. thats what everyone told me. clearly they don't know me very well. i wanted a hug from bobby and nobody else. I can't remember the last time i cried so hard. i think i spent another 20 minutes crying...remembering the last thing i said to him was "Bobby i've never let anything bad happen to you before and i'm not going to let anything bad happen to you now. squeeze my hand when it hurts!" How i wished those words had been i love you, your my everything, something along those lines. 

After calming down Bobbys mom called me and told me he was ok, he was home, he was going to sleep. Still i hadn't forgiven myself. How could i be so insensitive. How could i just have ignored it at first? How could ANYTHING have been more important then him. I was too upset over not making it in the stupid play at school that i couldn't care for five minutes what was going on with my best friend. 

When i went home i took the sweatshirt bobby had given me out of the closet and slept with it next to me though i didn't get much sleep at all. i called him this morning and he sounds alot better. 

Even though Bobbys fine I don't think I'll forgive myself for not seeing how he was doing. I take him for granted and from now on i never ever ever will again. I love him so much. I will always remember that the second someone leaves my side ill say something nice even if i hate them. 

My mom says I should become a nurse...its a possiblity but im still young and right now the most important thing in the world to me is whats happening to me right this moment, because you never know if it will be your last. So on that note, from now on i am only going to use the computer to do work and talk to my friends, blogging is over, cuz i want as much time as i can to spend with people. I think ill keep my myspace, but only for communication. But im done with livejournal and other websites i've found that focus around myself. 

So these are my last words on this website, readers, take care, god bless and remember, it doesnt matter who you are somebody out there loves you!

When i get upset...like truly deeply upset...i fall....either into serious issues with myself that many people get thrown into rehab for....or i fall for someone i shouldn't. I like her alot...and she hasn't been off my mind...every night i think about New Years Eve and how the red headed ghost haunts me in my dreams.  I never thought i'd fall again for her but i did.....last night was...was...terrible....so terrible i cant even tell my friends...and if i did i would tell them in person just cuz my phoen lines cross....and things were so bad i relaized i need to change so if in fact something had or will happen to me....well.....i want people to care if something in fact had happened to me in this hell hole...so i started by texting tara appologizing for being so stuck up....when she tried to flirt i stopped texting her....but i guess were friends again. Then i attempted to call Mysti to appologize for not being around lately...but i deffinately got blown off by the people from church who were practicng for their youth band....it seems like now when i call mysti i call a complete stranger and i dont like that....we used to be all eachother had and now it seems like we dont even want to be seen talking to eachother anymore....anyways...thats when i texted the red headed ghost...one thing lead to another and now we're dating again. Officially this time. We worked out all the baddness in the relationship we had before. EVERY little detail....and im thinking this could possibly work this time. But yet again its a secret...well a secret from the church that is....she told me i could tell the 4 people in my "group". (Bobby Joey Alyssa and Kati) And of course i did....Joey and Bobby werent exactly thrilled but Alyssa was all like "thats good" I can always count on alyssa to be the supportive ones and Bobby and Joey to go all brotherly on me...i wonder if i were straight if they would do that to guys? Hmmm idk...i love that theyre protective of me tho....it makes me feel wanted somewheres. I LOVE MY FRIENDS. I havent told Kati yet...cuz well...she was spending the night with Mysti...and Mysti has no problem spreading my secrets anymore! Ill tell Kati eventually tho....Even tho i had a shitty night where i didnt feel safe or loved ina nyways....I did get the red headed ghost back and my friends made me see how much they actually love me by being all protective and that makes everything better....from now on the red headed ghost will be known as "her" just in case someone from church does in fatc read this.

 Life is going pretty good lately...actually it tops good and right along to AMAZING!!!!!! Of course my computer is broken so i have to use my aunts and the libraries and other then that fact that one of my best friends is depressed lately (LOVE YOU) my other friends seem pretty happy! 

My book idea didn't work but im working on one that im deffinately keeping with cuz i like it alot!!!!!

This lifetime movie im watching is making me angry cuz this guy is big headed!

OMG i did a photoshoot this morning with the poststandard that joey now works at too...YAY! Anyways the lady told me i wasn't an actress...um quite the contrary....i dont take it to heart....i mnean i was supposed to be looking at a peice of broccolli in a confused way with my BFF behind the photographer laughing at me....lol. IDC....i still dont know if i want to be a writer or an actress....then again idk many teens who know what they want to be 100%. 

Anyways...i have a new crush....im not telling who, but i do.....but idk if i should date in high school or not....maybe i should just have fun and not worry about commitement...wait does that make me a slut?  probably.

Anyways thats all for now!

I think I'm actually taking Joey's advice and actually stick to writing something until its done! I'm also takling another thing from Joey and thats his brilliant mind to alternate chapeters with different characters....now before he thinks im taking his complete idea...IM NOT! I using his set up but NOT his story line. 

See mine is called Tuesday and everythign in it has something to do with the word Tuesday. For example the day Tuesday, a girl named Tuesday, and one of those little necklace things that have all the days planned out on what charm to wear...and Tuesday is one of those charms....OK so its still in the planning stages. Also this book is dealing with heavy issues. Leukemia, Diabetes, AIDS, Heart Disease, Accidents....all things people in my family have died from. The book is solely going to be realistic fiction....What i am doing though is using my family members name in eahc section of each disese. Mackenzie was my cousin who died of Leukemia...thats the name of the sister of the girl who has leukemia.. Nearly everyone in my family has diabetes, but I'm naming this character Val, after my grandma (moms side) who has it seriously bad. AIDS my namesake (Danny) died from. Heart Disease is related to my reason for writing and living, My granmda on my dadsside (aka my world) Betty. And the Accident Victim that would be my Cousin.

How Im pulling off this book is still a mystery to me, but im doing it the best i can! 

So being a writer...well not that you can really call me a writer, but the fact that i enjoy to write and I am semi-good at it...well that my friends causes me to easily observe people and things around me. I have that Hariette the Spy (however you spell that) going for me. My latest observations are people handeling their problems. There are 5 types of people in this case:

1. The first type are the "destroyers" as i like to call them. When problems strike (especially in the relationship and friendship department) these are the people who take all the material objects that reminfd them of the problem and burn them....or tear, hurt, destroy....get rid of them. These are the types of people that delete their Myspace, Livejournal, facebook accounts because the problem is somewhere in there...whether it be a friend, an about me, or soemthing else along those lines. These are the people who constinately find material objects that you can touch or see and use it to take the blame.
Common Phrases Assosiated with these types of people: "AIM always makes me sound like I'm saying thing meanly but I'm not!" or "I hate Myspace, everyone causes drama on Myspace!" or "I burnt all my pictures of her" 
Rarely Heard From these types of people: "I hate talking to people online because I always make myself sound stupid when i don't mean to."
Related Characters: Often seek lifetime movies for these types of people.

2. This type of person I like to call a "Blame it on the world" person. Unlike the destroyers these people don't usually destroy material memories, but set them aside and blame the world for their anger! These are the people who walk around school with an angry expression on their faces and thoughts in their head saying "it's not your fault, it's his. Had he been better this wouldn't have happened!" These are also the people most commonly related with "shut outs" in which will be the next type of people i talk about. 
Common Phrases: "If he had been a little nicer, I wouldn't be mad at him anymore!" or "How can you be friends with that lying backstabber! Don't you know what they did to me?" 
Rarely Heard: "Well I guess we were both wrong and I should forgive them!"
Realated Characters: Most like every singal character in every singal show! And the world. This is the highest breed of problem solving techniques because it's a lot easier to blame someone else then blame urselves!

3. The "Shut-Outs"! These are the people who after a break up don't speak to anyone, dont cry, and totally shut oujt all emotions. These are the people who when they lose a friend just go and gain new ones without showing that they missed the first friend. These are the ones who never cry at funerals and are often related with being "emo". 
Common Phrases: "Nothing's wrong with me!" or "I'm just not in the mood to talk!" or "i don't want to talk about it!"
Rarely Heard: "Can I talk to you about something?" or "i have a problem"
Related Characters: Melinda from Speak

4. The "Keep Busy" people. These people after a hard time are the ones finding jokesa and sarcasim to lighten up the moments for their friends and themselves. These are also the people who when their upset they  clean, jump rope, run, eat...anything to keep themselves busy. 
Common Phrases: "I have to go clean my room!" or "I can't wait for gym, it'll take my mind off of things!"
Rarely Heard: "I Need a Break!"
Related Characters: Cindy and Jo from The Facts of Life

5. The last type of people are "the actors." These people are the ones who haver most likely studied theater, because after a tragic thing happens they go right on acting like their happy for their friends sake, remembering that they aren't the only ones with problems in this world. These are the people who use all sadness and put it into their stories, auditions, work....they use their downers to help other people. These people are rarely seen, but are nice to have around.
Common Phrases: "I'm not doing to great, but tell me whats wrong with you first?" or "I can totally relate, one time...."
Rarely Heard: "Stop talking about urself and listen to me for once!"
Related Characters: This person is so rare i cant find a character

Give them liberty 
or give them death!
Give them pride!
Lose their predjudice!
Give them acceptance
or a happy day!
Give them the lives that passed away.
Give them the hope
that the old river has!
Give them the smile 
that makes them laugh!
But just give me a justice
that'll do me some good.
And give them 
the things no one else has!

Allow this hope to be broken.
Allow this second to be fought for.
Allow this kiss to be our last one.
Allow this heart to be stomped on.
Allow this mending to take place
Allow this pain to to go away.
Allow this arm to eventually heal.
Allow this sarrow to disappear.
Allow this second to be the last.
Allow this moment to the first.
Allow this and I will see the deed to be done.

This is for u
and all that u've done.
this blood of the secrets 
that lie here just won.
and with all these words inside my head.
To think that to u im already dead
and with ur loss of hope,
i feel confined to this world.
with these secrets 
ill stay a broken girl
and these paths that u've sent me 
will be left unattened too.
And her hollwed pain
will be left for her to die on
just promise me a promise
i can rely on.

Her silence could stop a kiss,
a train,
a heartbeat.

Her happiness could be lost forever,
vanished,
gone.

Her violence could haunt herself,
him,
them. 

Her anger could get the best of her,
best of all of them,
best left unsaid.

So she reamins silent,
she's silent in this world
she's silent forever.

This could be for the best,
this could be for the worst,
this could be for nothing at all....

or this simply could just be an empty thoguht.

Here's Some of my latest photography! What do you think?


  Mama can we PLEEEEASE go for a walk


 I Am Being A Good Boy!


 Don't Let Love Slip Away