My Life in a Nutshell

LAST ENTRY!!!!

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 17:35:56 GMT

Ok readers, here's a sort of a depressing topic, but it's one i hope will impact somebodys life. the topic: death.

Growing up in a family where death seems to ring somebody's doorbell every year, i've learned that there is nothing you can do when it finally comes in. Death knows no predjudce. it doesn't care what you are, what your age, your size, your race, or who you know. You can't pay death to leave someone, you can't cry death away, you can't do anything about it when it comes for someone you love, and you can't do anything about it when it comes for someone you hate.

Death is a painful word. if you've read this far already i must congradulate you, because i'm sure many people stopped reading after I stated my topic. The truth is eventually everyone has to face this topic, and i thought for sure last night I was going to have to face it again.

As we walked into the party I knew something was wrong, but instead of asking kindly like a friend should, i asked Bobby "What's your problem". he was having trouble breathing. SHIT! I had seen people go through that before. My cousins, my aunts, my uncles, and especially my grandma. I know how to nurse people back to health, but this wasn't a family member who i expect to be sick on most occasions...this was my...my...my BEST FRIEND! MY EVERYTHING!!!! I remember people being carried away for breathing problems. my grandma is the main one i can remember ....suddenly i think everything stopped. From what i was thinking as Bobby was just being a drama queen, i now realized i had seen this before....i had seen that exact thing the day I found out my grandma was going to die. my heart started racing....now i knew i had to do something.

i stayed calm while he was there....thinking clearly but not enough. He was crying, panting, he was turning pal, he just couldn't calm down.The thought that kept running through my head over and over again was: I can't lose him too! People kept asking me questions "where was he", "when did this start", "did he fall?" but i didn't relaize how serious it actually was until his parents came and told someone to call an ambulence. you know that saying "time slows down when in crisis?" Well what was approximately 20 minutes lasted 3 years in my mind. I was the only one that knew the details...i had to talk to the paramedics...then they left...with bobby.

stay calm. thats what everyone told me. clearly they don't know me very well. i wanted a hug from bobby and nobody else. I can't remember the last time i cried so hard. i think i spent another 20 minutes crying...remembering the last thing i said to him was "Bobby i've never let anything bad happen to you before and i'm not going to let anything bad happen to you now. squeeze my hand when it hurts!" How i wished those words had been i love you, your my everything, something along those lines.

After calming down Bobbys mom called me and told me he was ok, he was home, he was going to sleep. Still i hadn't forgiven myself. How could i be so insensitive. How could i just have ignored it at first? How could ANYTHING have been more important then him. I was too upset over not making it in the stupid play at school that i couldn't care for five minutes what was going on with my best friend.

When i went home i took the sweatshirt bobby had given me out of the closet and slept with it next to me though i didn't get much sleep at all. i called him this morning and he sounds alot better.

Even though Bobbys fine I don't think I'll forgive myself for not seeing how he was doing. I take him for granted and from now on i never ever ever will again. I love him so much. I will always remember that the second someone leaves my side ill say something nice even if i hate them.

My mom says I should become a nurse...its a possiblity but im still young and right now the most important thing in the world to me is whats happening to me right this moment, because you never know if it will be your last. So on that note, from now on i am only going to use the computer to do work and talk to my friends, blogging is over, cuz i want as much time as i can to spend with people. I think ill keep my myspace, but only for communication. But im done with livejournal and other websites i've found that focus around myself.

So these are my last words on this website, readers, take care, god bless and remember, it doesnt matter who you are somebody out there loves you!

Last night....

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 15:51:14 GMT

When i get upset...like truly deeply upset...i fall....either into serious issues with myself that many people get thrown into rehab for....or i fall for someone i shouldn't. I like her alot...and she hasn't been off my mind...every night i think about New Years Eve and how the red headed ghost haunts me in my dreams. I never thought i'd fall again for her but i did.....last night was...was...terrible....so terrible i cant even tell my friends...and if i did i would tell them in person just cuz my phoen lines cross....and things were so bad i relaized i need to change so if in fact something had or will happen to me....well.....i want people to care if something in fact had happened to me in this hell hole...so i started by texting tara appologizing for being so stuck up....when she tried to flirt i stopped texting her....but i guess were friends again. Then i attempted to call Mysti to appologize for not being around lately...but i deffinately got blown off by the people from church who were practicng for their youth band....it seems like now when i call mysti i call a complete stranger and i dont like that....we used to be all eachother had and now it seems like we dont even want to be seen talking to eachother anymore....anyways...thats when i texted the red headed ghost...one thing lead to another and now we're dating again. Officially this time. We worked out all the baddness in the relationship we had before. EVERY little detail....and im thinking this could possibly work this time. But yet again its a secret...well a secret from the church that is....she told me i could tell the 4 people in my "group". (Bobby Joey Alyssa and Kati) And of course i did....Joey and Bobby werent exactly thrilled but Alyssa was all like "thats good" I can always count on alyssa to be the supportive ones and Bobby and Joey to go all brotherly on me...i wonder if i were straight if they would do that to guys? Hmmm idk...i love that theyre protective of me tho....it makes me feel wanted somewheres. I LOVE MY FRIENDS. I havent told Kati yet...cuz well...she was spending the night with Mysti...and Mysti has no problem spreading my secrets anymore! Ill tell Kati eventually tho....Even tho i had a shitty night where i didnt feel safe or loved ina nyways....I did get the red headed ghost back and my friends made me see how much they actually love me by being all protective and that makes everything better....from now on the red headed ghost will be known as "her" just in case someone from church does in fatc read this.

SOOOOO

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 19:44:13 GMT

Life is going pretty good lately...actually it tops good and right along to AMAZING!!!!!! Of course my computer is broken so i have to use my aunts and the libraries and other then that fact that one of my best friends is depressed lately (LOVE YOU) my other friends seem pretty happy!

My book idea didn't work but im working on one that im deffinately keeping with cuz i like it alot!!!!!

This lifetime movie im watching is making me angry cuz this guy is big headed!

OMG i did a photoshoot this morning with the poststandard that joey now works at too...YAY! Anyways the lady told me i wasn't an actress...um quite the contrary....i dont take it to heart....i mnean i was supposed to be looking at a peice of broccolli in a confused way with my BFF behind the photographer laughing at me....lol. IDC....i still dont know if i want to be a writer or an actress....then again idk many teens who know what they want to be 100%.

Anyways...i have a new crush....im not telling who, but i do.....but idk if i should date in high school or not....maybe i should just have fun and not worry about commitement...wait does that make me a slut? probably.

Anyways thats all for now!

my latest....

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 14:23:20 GMT

I think I'm actually taking Joey's advice and actually stick to writing something until its done! I'm also takling another thing from Joey and thats his brilliant mind to alternate chapeters with different characters....now before he thinks im taking his complete idea...IM NOT! I using his set up but NOT his story line.

See mine is called Tuesday and everythign in it has something to do with the word Tuesday. For example the day Tuesday, a girl named Tuesday, and one of those little necklace things that have all the days planned out on what charm to wear...and Tuesday is one of those charms....OK so its still in the planning stages. Also this book is dealing with heavy issues. Leukemia, Diabetes, AIDS, Heart Disease, Accidents....all things people in my family have died from. The book is solely going to be realistic fiction....What i am doing though is using my family members name in eahc section of each disese. Mackenzie was my cousin who died of Leukemia...thats the name of the sister of the girl who has leukemia.. Nearly everyone in my family has diabetes, but I'm naming this character Val, after my grandma (moms side) who has it seriously bad. AIDS my namesake (Danny) died from. Heart Disease is related to my reason for writing and living, My granmda on my dadsside (aka my world) Betty. And the Accident Victim that would be my Cousin.

How Im pulling off this book is still a mystery to me, but im doing it the best i can!

Observations

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 14:04:31 GMT

So being a writer...well not that you can really call me a writer, but the fact that i enjoy to write and I am semi-good at it...well that my friends causes me to easily observe people and things around me. I have that Hariette the Spy (however you spell that) going for me. My latest observations are people handeling their problems. There are 5 types of people in this case:

1. The first type are the "destroyers" as i like to call them. When problems strike (especially in the relationship and friendship department) these are the people who take all the material objects that reminfd them of the problem and burn them....or tear, hurt, destroy....get rid of them. These are the types of people that delete their Myspace, Livejournal, facebook accounts because the problem is somewhere in there...whether it be a friend, an about me, or soemthing else along those lines. These are the people who constinately find material objects that you can touch or see and use it to take the blame.
Common Phrases Assosiated with these types of people: "AIM always makes me sound like I'm saying thing meanly but I'm not!" or "I hate Myspace, everyone causes drama on Myspace!" or "I burnt all my pictures of her"
Rarely Heard From these types of people: "I hate talking to people online because I always make myself sound stupid when i don't mean to."
Related Characters: Often seek lifetime movies for these types of people.

2. This type of person I like to call a "Blame it on the world" person. Unlike the destroyers these people don't usually destroy material memories, but set them aside and blame the world for their anger! These are the people who walk around school with an angry expression on their faces and thoughts in their head saying "it's not your fault, it's his. Had he been better this wouldn't have happened!" These are also the people most commonly related with "shut outs" in which will be the next type of people i talk about.
Common Phrases: "If he had been a little nicer, I wouldn't be mad at him anymore!" or "How can you be friends with that lying backstabber! Don't you know what they did to me?"
Rarely Heard: "Well I guess we were both wrong and I should forgive them!"
Realated Characters: Most like every singal character in every singal show! And the world. This is the highest breed of problem solving techniques because it's a lot easier to blame someone else then blame urselves!

3. The "Shut-Outs"! These are the people who after a break up don't speak to anyone, dont cry, and totally shut oujt all emotions. These are the people who when they lose a friend just go and gain new ones without showing that they missed the first friend. These are the ones who never cry at funerals and are often related with being "emo".
Common Phrases: "Nothing's wrong with me!" or "I'm just not in the mood to talk!" or "i don't want to talk about it!"
Rarely Heard: "Can I talk to you about something?" or "i have a problem"
Related Characters: Melinda from Speak

4. The "Keep Busy" people. These people after a hard time are the ones finding jokesa and sarcasim to lighten up the moments for their friends and themselves. These are also the people who when their upset they clean, jump rope, run, eat...anything to keep themselves busy.
Common Phrases: "I have to go clean my room!" or "I can't wait for gym, it'll take my mind off of things!"
Rarely Heard: "I Need a Break!"
Related Characters: Cindy and Jo from The Facts of Life

5. The last type of people are "the actors." These people are the ones who haver most likely studied theater, because after a tragic thing happens they go right on acting like their happy for their friends sake, remembering that they aren't the only ones with problems in this world. These are the people who use all sadness and put it into their stories, auditions, work....they use their downers to help other people. These people are rarely seen, but are nice to have around.
Common Phrases: "I'm not doing to great, but tell me whats wrong with you first?" or "I can totally relate, one time...."
Rarely Heard: "Stop talking about urself and listen to me for once!"
Related Characters: This person is so rare i cant find a character

Give Me Justice

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 00:43:04 GMT

Give them liberty
or give them death!
Give them pride!
Lose their predjudice!
Give them acceptance
or a happy day!
Give them the lives that passed away.
Give them the hope
that the old river has!
Give them the smile
that makes them laugh!
But just give me a justice
that'll do me some good.
And give them
the things no one else has!

Allow This

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 22:46:54 GMT

Allow this hope to be broken.
Allow this second to be fought for.
Allow this kiss to be our last one.
Allow this heart to be stomped on.
Allow this mending to take place
Allow this pain to to go away.
Allow this arm to eventually heal.
Allow this sarrow to disappear.
Allow this second to be the last.
Allow this moment to the first.
Allow this and I will see the deed to be done.

For u

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 01:00:49 GMT

This is for u
and all that u've done.
this blood of the secrets
that lie here just won.
and with all these words inside my head.
To think that to u im already dead
and with ur loss of hope,
i feel confined to this world.
with these secrets
ill stay a broken girl
and these paths that u've sent me
will be left unattened too.
And her hollwed pain
will be left for her to die on
just promise me a promise
i can rely on.

Her Silence

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 00:34:37 GMT

Her silence could stop a kiss,
a train,
a heartbeat.

Her happiness could be lost forever,
vanished,
gone.

Her violence could haunt herself,
him,
them.

Her anger could get the best of her,
best of all of them,
best left unsaid.

So she reamins silent,
she's silent in this world
she's silent forever.

This could be for the best,
this could be for the worst,
this could be for nothing at all....

or this simply could just be an empty thoguht.

More Photography!

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 14:49:42 GMT

Here's Some of my latest photography! What do you think?

Mama can we PLEEEEASE go for a walk

I Am Being A Good Boy!

Don't Let Love Slip Away

NEEEEW

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 14:41:53 GMT

Alright so heres to new beginings....well more like a new school term!

I went back to an old trick my therapist taught me, dumped the girl who wasn't right for me, went out and got me a new look.

Meet My New Look

In the words of Mary Tyler Moore "WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT AFTER ALL!"

Easing the Paranoia with TV

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 13:16:11 GMT

Ok so this sounds way wrong but I WANNA GO TO THE PARTY TONIGHT! See this chick who i dont like due to her little sister telling me something then i went and told joey who talked to her about it cuz it was of importance and then suddenly she hated me?

It's a long story, but details don't matter...point is: she's having a party, ALL my friends are goign and I'm here....not going.

Normally I like to have my time with myself, but this is different. All my friends, enemies, and frenemies are going to be there. One drop of my name and its gossip hell!

I shouldn't be so self-centered, the odds my name is even going to come up is slim to none. But in the event that it does....i should have a cushion. A friend who will be home while the party takes place, just incase i start having paranoia about things that could be being said about me.

But If all my friends are going to be there hopefully one of them will stick up for me if people are saying stuff! Actually you know what, they will....cuz thats what friends do. And even if they don't stick up for me, i know they wont listen to the petty girly gossip. So what am i freaking out about?

Ok Im gonna like force myself to stop being paranoid by drownding myself in a day of ANTM and Degrassi!

Tootles.

p.s. I think got the whole Tara thing worked out, and i've eased myself out church again sunday...except this time its not for a good reason...but anyways....that's all!

Better

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 22:49:34 GMT

Well My mini- drama queen tempertantrum about how my life sucks is officially over....hopefully i will never ever ever feel that way again. And thanks to Joey i officially see how my own hatred of myself affects other people...my friendship is WAAAAAAAAY more important then some dumb habit! *Thanks Again Joey* Even though I spent like forever crying, these are the things i've learned:

*Nothing is ever bad enough to lose ur friends, ur life, and ur dreams. (Joey's point- just thought i'd give him the credit)

* Even tho Mysti and Steph find it necessary to not speak to me lately...it might be for the better. I mean we're still friends and even though neither of their attitudes are appreciated (or the silent treatment for that matter) it's fixable. Anyways, theyre BOY CRAZY! I tend to fall short in the area :=p Maybe I needed a little space....i didn't expect to get this much space, but like i keep telling Bobby EVERYTHING happens for a reason!

*My friends truly and deeply care about me and my well being. Unlike my last few groups of friends who only encouraged me to do bad things and not be happy with myself, this group of friends (4 of the most amazing people you will ever meet) actually care about my well being! If i' doing something stupid theyre going to go to any measures to get me to stop. THAT everyone is what REAL friends do.

Who would have thought i would get real friends in this lifetime?

As for my issues with me finding my church the evil of the universe and my certain relationship issues, well i haven't ound a cure to those yet. I'm just gonna let the chips fall where they may and take it from there.

As for today....Im happy as a clam! (Are clams happy?) Anyways, I'm upbeat, perky, and after the last 2 nights im ready to take on anything that comes to me, because i've realized thats the only way to handel my issues...not temporarily hiding from them.

I'm starting over, and looking at myself in a different angle. This time I'm not just promising my friends, I'm promising myself....i'm never going to even think about doing anything like that EVER again in my entire life!

That Can't Be Me!

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 01:09:48 GMT

Sometimes I look in the mirror and i think....GOD THAT CANT BE ME!!!!! This is not the girl who has the past that haunts her, this is not the girl who got kicked out of doing the one thing that kept her level headed, this is not that girl!!! Often thoughts trigger in my mind "GOD WHY DOES SHE LOOK LIKE THAT?" One second she looks like she's about to cry the next a bunch of laughter crosses her face. Then i realize SHE IS ME! I AM THAT GIRL IN THE MIRROR! I dont want it to be. But it is....and i eventually except it and walk away from the mirror dreading the next time i return to it. Is every girl like that? Do all girls secretly dream of looking in the mirror and seeing the girl they pictured in their head would be there?

Why is everytime i feel something I begin to cry...i never use to do that! i use to keep my hard shell. I always tell my friends it's ok to cry, but its not ok when i do it. I know how to handel crying ppl..... i know my friends don't like to see people cry, but yet constantly theyre forced into seeing and hearing my melt downs. I just want everyone to be happy but someone once told me it's starts with inner happy....how can i be happy when i can't find peace in this messed up mind i have!? From years of playing peacemaker and secretkeeper in my house, school, and every other place i go i've learned that i need to stay strong, and if that means hiding a few secrets and emotions along the way of my own I will. I'm sorry to all those I've hurt, I'm sorry for all the things that make my friends and family disappointed in me, im just plain out sorry.

I still can't see how that girl in the mirror is me, but i guess she is......

I wish that girl had made herself, family, and friends proud. I wish her innocent eyes were matched by her behavior,

I wish she wasn't me....

Babysitting Stories!

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 23:02:59 GMT

Sooooooooooooo....I babysit. What teenaged girl doesn't right? But I have been with this one family since I was 12. they started me as a mother's helper at a dollar fifty an hour. I slowly became their babysitter at 2 dollars an hour. And here 3 years later i am still only making $2.50 an HOUR! I had the girl for 5 hours today, it's not a bad thing considering im her role model and she acts, dresses and talks exactly like me.

For example, I hate pink therefore she hates pink!!!

She's 9 now and questioning whether Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and other fictional creatures are real or not. So today....don't ask me how....but the conversation of the tooth fairy cam up.

Her: Have you lost all your baby teeth?

Me: Mhm

Her: Does the Tooth Fairy take your teeth or leave them for you?

Me: She takes them.

Her: She leaves mine cuz I write her a note and ask her to leave them.

Me: Oh I let her use mine for her palace of teeth.

Her: (Giggles) I asked her once who her best friend was in a note and she said the Easter bunny cuz he gives you candy and that helps your teeth fall out.

Me: Really?

Her: Well Duh! She has very fancy handwriting....it kinda looks like mommy's, but it clearly can't be hers.

Me: (i smiled and nodded) You almost done eatting your pizza?

HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THAT??????? Im not gonna be liek hey kido by the way it is mommy who leaves the teeth and money and notes for you! I do have to say she does bring the inner child out in me as I find myself listening to Disney Mania cds and watching Annie almost every time she leaves me.

Now for my friends here is something cute, ironic and weird you might like to here:

Her: (Points to picture of Bobby and Joey) Who are those boys?

Me: Bobby and Joey.

Her: When do i get to meet them?

Me: Whenever you want.

Her: They won't try to hit on me will they?

Me: Who taught you to say that?

Her: Degrassi.

Me: That show isn't for your age that show is for my age.

Her:That's why Mommy and Daddy don't know i watch it! Now will the try to hit on me?

Me: Will you stop saying that i don't like you saying "hit on me"!

Her: Fine! But will they?!!!

Me: That is the last thing you have to worry about! (Now here I am laughing to myself thinking the last thing theyre gonna hit on is a girl.)

Her: Good cuz I don't like guys as anything other then a friend!

HELLOOOOOOO!!!!! Did everybody get that? Yup! Oh God what have i turned this child into????? LMAO!!!! Well....I hope she was still referring to the fact that 9 year old boys still have cooties to 9 year old girls!

Well! Thats all from this babysitting Job, but don't worry i get babysit AGAIN on satuday...the same girl and everything! SO yeah stay tuned for that!

Photography!

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 15:10:47 GMT

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE PHOTOGRAPHY!

Even though the future is forever away for me, and i could honestly careless about my dreams and what i should or shouldn't be (yeah i know thats the makign for a bum, but i just want to live for the moment right now!) Anyways even though i could care less, i think photojournalism is top on my carreer choices (along with actress, singer, dancer, author, and a various number of other things!) ANYWAYS, i want your opinions on my art work....that goes for my friends and anybody who would like to become my cyber-friend. Please I want opinons. So Here they are:

i call this one Common Music

I call this one Deserted Highway

Meet The Tree Of Life

This One is called Based On Nature

Gate to Heaven or Gate to Hell?

Dancer's Feet

Nobody Ever Cared

Will You Turn Around?

Only Our Shadows Know of Our Love

Well there's my phtographs that i took. Yes I really took them all i didn't steal them! Please tell me what you think! And tell me the truth.

Cry_Wolf is amazing!!!!!

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 01:22:10 GMT

So I went over to Bobby's house today!!! (I am so done with code names it's not like im giving out last names and adresses!) ANYWAYS! We watched 2 and a half movies! Then he kicked my butt in Sonic the hedgehog but whatever I mean here i am with a stupid flying bunny thing and he's pushing me outt of a circle JEEZE!!!!! Anyways....the lame game made me sad that i havent played a video game since i was 12 and still sucked after 3 freaken years!!! But lets not talk abotut hat lets discuss the movies we watched. Well i saw 1/2 of Butterfly effect, it was good from what i saw but kinda random...i guess thats cuz we just kept playing random scenes and bobby told me the ending! =] Which woulda been a lot better if i saw it but i had to leave! Now the 2 movies we watched in full rocked...well one did the other was random as heck!!!! the firls one was Dreamcatcher It was soooooo random. I really didn't understand it at all!!!! The other was Cry_Wolf! OMG MY NEW FAVORITE OF ALL TIME!!!!!!

So Yeah in the movie they play this game which totally inspired me to write a new story. See the game goes like this: One person is the shepard. Everyone closes their eyes and the shepard goes around and picks one person with their eyes closed to be the worlf. They put a mark on their stomach. When everyone opens their eyes they all become sheep. The wolf is still hidden among the sheep. One of the sheep or the wolf accuse someone of being the wolf, the accuser states their case of why that person could be the wolf, the accused person then explains why he couldn't be the wolf. If a sheep uncovers who the wolf is that sheep wins, but if the wolf tricks everyone he/she then wins. That probably makes no sense but whatever! it's a good movie and i REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want to play the game with a group of people! =]

Well...Heres me!

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 01:45:32 GMT

Still drinking my water!

Though there are still a lot of things i would change about myself, I think this term has done me good. Though due to recent stress I'm slipping back to things i don't want to do. But having regents week off i think i'll be alright again! I think all I needed was true friends. For a while i was a pinball between groups and whoever would take me in as a BFF, and I don't need to worry about that anymore because i found a place where i belong in the social world. I think I'm slowly and surely becoming a better person. It's going to take time to be someone I truely want to be, but i know I'm going to get there eventually and I will be 100% satisfied with myself and accepting who I am.

I think i'm going to finally wrap up these journal entries for the night cuz I know I jst gave my friends alot to read! But it's all stuff I've been wanting to share and get off my chest. Though there are still some depressing things i need to get out i think those are best left unsaid and just written down in a private diary somewheres! I still have regents week off this week so there will be more entires....but for now i'm gonna say Tootles!

My Social Circle

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 01:36:05 GMT

Is done eatting and now drinking some healthy water! =]

My social life is literally a circle. There are five of us that make the circle Me, Pyodog, Bdubiscool, and we'll call the others Dorothy and Perky. I also am in a relationship, but the red headed ghost and another crush are still on my mind! Is that bad? Well let's not go into that cuz thats more personal that i wouldn't like to share with the entire online community! So let me describe my friends for you a bit. Well they are all amazing, but each in their own ways!

Me- I like to think of myself as the peacemaker/secretkeeper/sisterly one of the group. Which i have no problem with. I like who i am in the group. Though sometimes my sarcasim is unwelcome and i often feel like i say the wrong things at the wrong time, i know my friends love me! =]

Pyodog- You thought i was sarcastic? Oh lord then you havent met him...but i love his sarcasim it makes me laugh alot. I think one of my favorite things about him is that he's gay and doesn't flaunt it. Of course i have like 17 million other things i love about him. He tends to be one of the funnier ones in the group! But he's also got a good head on his shoulders. I'd probably still be failing school if it wasnt for him, but right now im passing all my classes which i really wouldnt have been able to do without him lightiing a fire under me! Even though we have a lot of inappropriet converstaons he has become like a big brother to me! =]

Bdubiscool- I will never let him live it down that he's the youngest of the group...but thats what makes him more special then anyone else. He knowsme so unbelievably well. I can be having the worse day of my life and he knows just what to say to make me laugh. I probably tell him more then anyone else. We talk on the phone hours at a time, and i get really sad when we have to hang up. He's not sarcastic and i think everyone needs a friend with limited sarcasim especially when u got someoen like me and Pyodog around cuz we can handle the sarcasim. He's sincere and honest and those are two of his best traits that everyone should posses! He's also like my brother, even more so then Pyodog is! but i love them both equally! =]

Dorothy- A girl who has this much talent shouldn't be shining on a High School stage as Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, because she is so much better then that! She lacks confidence every once in a while, but that's what she's got us for cuz she's beautiful and smart and talented and we don't let her foget that. Her laugh is contagious. She can be wild and crazy when she wants to be. We constantly laugh together! I've known her since 6th grade so naturally she's like my big sister(even though her brithday is only 3 months before mine.) She is amazing and I love her.

Perky- This name is completely fitting for her! She was a cheerleader and it definately shows because whenever one of us is feeling down she's right there to cheer us up! I didn't really get to know her until this year, btu shes already worked her way into my heart to be like my little sister. And just like Dorothy her laughter is contagious! Even when I'm having a really really really bad day she can get me to laugh. Even though we haven't known eachother very long i love her just like a sister!

The circle would be lost without anyone of these members, and i'm so glad we have been friends nearly all this term. They really make me feel better about myself, and i think i finally found friends who won't leave me and won't walk away like all my other friends have. ( See Pyodog, I actually believe that now. No more lack of confidence!)

145343634 <--- see Bdubiscool i can do it! (it's right isnt it?)

Well nonetheless i love friends! =]

I Have No Need To Be The Gym Class Hero...

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 01:03:35 GMT

Doritos are almost gone!

Ok...So I gave PE it's own special section! PE Is one of the most annoyingist classes you will ever have to deal with being a girl! First of all you have to pass by all the guys who smell like they overdosed on AXE and sweat! GROSS! From there you must go and change in front of all the slim and slender girls...pardon me for not throwing up my food before digeting it that i look somewhat...whats the word... normal? After that you get to go into a gym class with all the slim and slender....in my case it's even worse because i have NO friends in my gym class....not one! and they are all amused by throwing dodgeballs at my head! Now I may not be the athletic type, but I've made so pretty amazing efforts in my time in gym this year. For example, doing more push-ups then the "ever so amazing" basketball girls. Soccer girls on the other hand, they beat me! But hey there is nothing on their is nothing on their bones! I mean I weigh more the two of them put together and i'm doing 15 push-ups...heck yeah! Along with the push ups, i've also made the winning shot in basketball and the winning goal in feild hockey...but do i get any recognition? NO! You have to be slim and slender and athletic to have ur efforts noticed. The gym teacher notices...big whoop! Now, i don't aim to be the gym class hero so when i know i suck at a sport i pass it up to the "better" players. Like team handball for example, I tend to catch the ball and immediately pass it to someone...now if they're on my team or not? well thats up to whoever is closer to me...handball i don't put to much effort in! Today we palyed dodgeball! Cool beans, right? well, I've learned that this extra weight i carry around is no help in out running the athletic girls. So I learned how to catch. In gym master, it's everyone for themselves. Now this one girl who wasn't being very nice to my friend, she didn't catch on that i catch everything that is wipped at my face. So as much as she tried, the more she got out cuz i just kept on catching it. Her face was priceless. I had a couple other amazing catches before being forced to run and tagged out. After gym master we moved on to a game of Pin dodgeball....it's a long explination, but baisically you prtect some bowling pins without getting hit by the dodgeball. Now the same girl, who kept getting out becauser i was catching all the balls she threw at me in gym master decided well maybe it's different with pin dodgeball. Are you stupid? So I kept catching! It's become quite a satisfying trait to be able to catch. Though, I have a lot of amazing efforts in gym the girls still decide making fun of me is so wonderful, so i get nicknames like "fatso" which they say bluntly to my face. So most of the time, I come out of PE near tears after changing again and getting sprayed with like 17 different perfumes that all clash in smell together! But refenge comes with getting out the "most talented athletes" even if i don't get a recognition for it, atleast i have a peace in myself cuz like i said i have no need to be a gym class hero!

Academics end in IC(k)!

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 00:39:31 GMT

Now I'm eatting doritos!!!!!!

Ok so academics are seriously probably the MOST dreaded thing in all of school!!!! So instead of making up some cheesy thing to make them sound fun I'm just going to cut to the chase!!!!

English!
I honestly like this class...but i hate the teachers. I have this class with one of the members of my 5 friends that make the circle! I fit wasn't for him in this class I would be failing from falling asleep so much!!!! it's not that the stuff we do is boring its the teacher! OMG could he be anymore monotone? I think a mime has more emotion in their voice then he does....(Yes Pyodog I am aware that that makes absolutely NO sense!) But Bdubiscool has got to agree its so unbelievably boring * AND IF MY HEATER CLICKS ON ONE MORE TIME IM GONNA FLIP ITS LIKE 90000000 DEGRESS IN HERE* sorry ADHD...which i have to the max in english class! The other teacher treats us like 1st graders! It's ridiculous!!!!! But i guess i shouldnt complain a 94 average in that class isnt too bad!!! Buit the thing keeping me from honors is that u had one bad marking period, got a 75 and now 11th honors is a dream fo the past =[ but as Pyodog says at the most inconvient times (still love him tho) "i did that to myself" Maybe its best im nto in honors english next year, nonetheless it would have been something i coulda been proud of myself for. =/

ANYWAYS...Let's Talk Math! VOMIT!
Well I can sum up my opinon in math with one sentance....I'm being put in applied math next year! (For the outsiders: Applied math is baisically a nicer name for "Stupid People's Math." Yeah... thats all i have to say about that!

Global!
I don't care about people in ancient China and my teacher hasn't caught on to that yet!!!!! So yeah....she's a wonderful person just not a very good teacher. She's devoted. That's about it! So yeah...i don't like Global. The End.

Biology!
Upside...We havent disected anything yet. Downside...everytime the teacher says "anus" I laugh! Yeah...i know i'm immature! =/ BUT i am finally passing a science class! This is the first time I have been passing a science class since i entered High School! YAY! Unfortuanetly, like math I am being put in applied science next year. Having two applied basically means i am most likely not going to be able to get into college even if i wanted too. Which as of now i don't want to!!!!

But thats it for academics! stay tuned for my thoughts on PE...you don't want to miss that! Trust me!

What does the term ELECTIVE mean anyways?

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 00:15:08 GMT

Ok so I just finished a large soda from Taco Bell that was filled with Mountain Dew and Coke along with a dark chocolate mint 3 Muskateers! Yeah cuz being pre-diabetic isn't risky enough, right? Chillax I'm fine...my psycho jaw was going off anyways (for those outsiders, psycho jaw is a term me and my firneds use when my jaw shakes uncontrolably when my sugar is low, im upset, or im nervous and i can't pyshically stop it...it's quite frightening!) In this case psycho jaw was going off because my sugar was low.

So now that I've sugared myself up I'm ready to write about the electives i took in the past term of school. What does elcetives mean anyways? Alright we'll just call them the supposed-to-be-fun-classes!

Let's start with Study Hall!
Yeah right like anybody really studies in study hall! This term i spent most of my study hall classes goofing off in the library until i eventually got kicked out. i wasn't allowed to go back until yesterday which was over a weeks suspenion from the library. I didn't mind so much because i got to hang out with my crush a couple times and got extra help in math! Oh god then i go and date someone and i was still flirting with my crush in study hall! I'm a smart one! i just hope Tara doesnt find out! =/ Thats just about it baisically Study Hall was boring as heck!!!!!! Luckily i am now switching into Health class for this coming up term!

Chorus (Oh excuse me...Concert Choir)
Ok so baisically all the theater junkies (such as myself) are in this class. We sing a couple of boring songs (though I do enjoy the Broadway ones), people gossip, we learn some more songs, more gossip, more songs, more gossip, then eventually we have a concert. We do three a year! In the last concert my Concert Choir director decided to repeat a song because we sucked so badly....whatever! Yeah concert choir is just that...sing, gossip, perform, suck, repeat!

Journalism
Surprisingly I have nothign bad to say about this class except the person i sit next to started drama and i almost got into a fight with her sister who had the nerve to tell one of my best frineds maybe he shouldnt be my firend anymore! Whatever! She annoys the whole class so it's not just me! But other then that I liked this class alot and am looking foreward to being editor next term!

Well thats all for electives...seriously though if anyone knows what "electives" means please alert me! Stay tuned for academics!

Spending time with myself....

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 23:50:35 GMT

Sooo after a small tiff with each other due to a bone headed mistake which im sure will never happen again my two best friends are playing kissy face tonight to make up. (They're probably gonna get mad at me for putting that). But hey I call em as i see em...anyways....them being all lovey dovey means I am spending time with myself tonight! My other two best friends in our circle of friendship are also busy. One is rehearsing to be Dorothy in Wizard of Oz in my school production (i was in it but i got kicked out due to bad grades) and i believe the other is hanging out with her other half who just so happens to have the same first name as her. Ironic, right? As for my other friends, well so-called "friends" who tend to say things about me behind my back...well personally i could care less where they are! Is that bitter? Probably! So while I'm spending time with myself I will be writing alot in this journal tonight due to sheer and utter boredom!!!!!!!!!!

I think what I'm going to do is in the next few entries talk about classes i took this past term (which is finally over, thank the lord). i'm going to be 100% honest in this as to what i truely and deeply thought of each class. I'm splitting it up into sections:
1st entry- Electives
2nd entry- Academics
3rd entry- PE
4th entry- Social Life
5th entry- What I thought of myself this past term

Read on...please...I'd like some comments considering i haven't been on in a week and i had no new comments! =[
I'm also hoping to gain more friends on here....cuz even though I put some very personal stuff in here i think what i type are more of a risk telling my BFFs then the cyberworld!!!!

Well Now I'm amused so read more entries, but for now to be continued.....

Lost Laughter

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 14:30:14 GMT

Silence breaks
With a broken heart.
So naturally the laughter is lost....
you found my laughter,
you gave it back,
but i don't ever want to lose my laughter again.

Not alone

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 03:06:24 GMT

They pick on her for her size.
she eats her life away.
No parents there to guide her.
She is left alone.
No friends are there beside her.
No one to call her own

He sits there with his world of secrets.
How he sits there with his lies and drug uses,
while he's hurting from all his abuses.
Nobody there to get to know him.
Nobody there to want to know him.
The drugs make him feel no pain,
but he's feeling way to much shame.

She took a stand
he let himself down
They put her down
so he has no choice
what else is left
just one more night.
They spend the time together
through the telepathic messages of the moon.
Evn though they didn't know each other,
they still were not alone

So grab a hold of the onse you love
try not to mess things up
and even if you do
even if ur away from all beings
even if you have no friends
no family
u are still not alone.